Men and women are not friends. Why men stop loving: every woman should know this
Men prefer not to discuss, but to act. And they don’t listen to words, believing that we are too focused on feelings. But if we speak different languages, how can we agree?
I've been holding the telephone receiver to my ear for two hours now, and my mood is getting worse. We are talking with my friend Nadya. More precisely, it’s not “we’re talking,” but she’s excitedly complaining about her husband. Nadya is worried that Sergei did not discuss plans for the summer with her, but simply presented her with a fact: “we are going to Finland in July.” Lately, they don’t talk to each other much at all; he often disappears with his friends, as if it’s easier for him to communicate with them. His ironic remarks no longer resemble tenderness and are sometimes quite offensive... A loving couple is going through a period of mutual misunderstanding and cannot find a common language. Maybe because he is a man and she is a woman.
Bisexuality of the soul
“It is important for a woman to be sure that she is loved, and for this she needs not only intimacy, but also words,” explain psychologists Allan and Barbara Pease in the book “Why men want sex and women want love.” - But the man is silent, and she perceives his silence as a lack of interest in her. A woman needs to keep in mind: the male brain is organized in such a way that it is more difficult for men to express their feelings in words. It’s easier to report facts, analyze, give advice.”
Dialogue between a man and a woman is possible only if neither of them dominates the relationship
But there is also a positive side to this difference: the conversation between a man and a woman, sometimes reminiscent of the dialogue of the deaf, awakens the desire to comprehend the mysterious creature of the other sex. But are we so incomprehensible to each other? Part of this mutual misunderstanding is one of the common myths. In fact, the opposite sex is not so alien to us, because we have mental bisexuality, discovered by Sigmund Freud.
“Each of us has both a masculine and a feminine principle,” explains psychoanalyst Andrei Rossokhin. - Since childhood, we believed that we, born from a father and mother, have the blood of both. This means their psyche, attractions and love. In every adult, the entire spectrum of previous states remains, including in love relationships. And at any age, we can be overwhelmed by childhood sensations, when a man wants to be at his mother’s breast again, and a girl awakens in a woman, who is drawn to cling to her father.”
Patriarchy is a legacy
Mental “bisexuality” helps to understand each other, but only partly. Dialogue between a man and a woman can only occur if neither of them dominates the relationship. In modern society we have become closer to equality, but centuries of male dominance and an often unconscious sense of their greater social importance still affects our communication.
“I was recently appointed chief accountant of a large publishing house,” says 35-year-old Evgenia. - I can’t say that my husband was jealous of my promotion, but now, when I come home from work tired and nervous, he says that I’m wasting my life on all these invoices, reports, reconciling debits and credits. Maybe it seems to him that I, like all women, make mountains out of molehills. But I’m offended that he brushes aside what I’m really interested in.”
“On the one hand, over the last hundred years there have been dramatic changes in ideas about how a woman can behave and how a man can behave,” says anthropologist Marina Butovskaya. - On the other hand, traditionally in Russia the man is the head of the house. Therefore, if a woman begins to dominate outside the family, then at home she no longer agrees to obey. In order to avoid conflict, it is very important for a woman to find the right tone.”
After all, the female psyche is more stable than the male: a woman historically came to her husband’s family, to whom she was forced to adapt. The success of the marriage and the duration of the family depended on this.
“And men didn’t need to adapt,” continues the anthropologist. “They extracted resources and had to be tough, strong, resilient.” Fine-tuning for communication and mutual understanding was not provided for by evolution.
The Brain, the Unconscious and Other Obstacles
There is no greater test for a relationship than a woman’s “need to talk,” especially considering that in reality, 80% of our communication occurs without words. But this desire is not a whim, but a property of the female brain. “Compared to boys, girls read more fluently and begin to speak earlier; they learn a foreign language more easily,” states Marina Butovskaya. - The fact is that for women, both hemispheres are involved in solving problems and experiencing emotions, while for men, either the right or the left. This is due to the influence of female sex hormones - estrogens - on the embryo: they stimulate the formation of connections between the hemispheres of the brain. Therefore, a woman can do several things at the same time, and a man can do one thing at a time.”
In particular, she can speak and listen at the same time, which men, of course, have a hard time believing. Women generally have 30% more neural connections involved in speech. In men, the left hemisphere is responsible for speech (they even listen mainly with the right ear, which corresponds to the left hemisphere), but speech functions are not tied to any special zone. Perhaps this is the reason for men's indifference to conversations. And among the clients of speech therapists, as you know, there are more boys. Is it then necessary to insist on conversation, especially if it is about love?
Men and women express their thoughts and feelings differently and understand what they hear differently.
“A woman, of course, can talk about her feelings and about her relationship with her partner, but without seeking a declaration of love from him, because the man is afraid to talk about her. For him, saying the words “I love you” means admitting that he has a passion for a woman that can subjugate him. Therefore, men try to talk about other things,” explains Andrei Rossokhin. - On an unconscious level, a man experiences a primary fear - the fear of being absorbed by a woman. This fear is born in the male unconscious as a fear of the mother - her strong but absorbing love. And, even having separated from his mother, he is still afraid of being absorbed again - now by his wife or lover.”
So what to do? Remember that, men and women, we express our thoughts and feelings differently and understand what we hear differently. Recognize that this difference is one of the attractive aspects of communication between us. And finally, accept that two people don’t always need words. Where words are powerless, feelings speak.
Speaking in sign language
Gender differences also appear in nonverbal communication: for example, men touch women more often. It is body language that plays a major role in attracting the attention of a possible sexual partner, and postures and gestures have different meanings depending on the cultural context.
“In Russian body language, these are quick glances at the person you like, a turn of the body in his direction, a slightly open mouth or slightly pouting lips,” explains linguist Grigory Kreidlin. - Straightening your back, smiling, winking. Laughter, stroking an object with the palm, flirtatious turns of the head and shaking of the hair, the head thrown back so that the neck is exposed, touching as if by chance...” These symbolic gestures help to evaluate a partner, establish contact and better understand each other.
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The Science of a Happy Marriage
By nature, men and women are not made for each other. How can we cheat our DNA and live happily in marriage?
Michael Gurian
Can a married couple's relationship be very close without harming the marriage? Could such closeness lead to a break in the relationship? Unfortunately, new research in psychology shows that this is true. If the spouses were unable to cope with the stages of change in family life, then a gap between people is quite possible, it is even predictable, since the human brain imposes a number of natural reactions during the development of family relationships. For 20 years, I've been conducting research on how the functioning of men's and women's brains affects marriage, from the first blush to lifelong relationships. Awareness of the differences in the behavior of men and women in marriage can be the key to long-term family happiness.
stage 1: Falling in love
When two people start dating, their brains begin to “fall in love.” Partners' pheromones are chemical signals that pass through our senses and reach a high level, so when lovers smell each other or look into each other's eyes, their separate male and female thinking becomes one. Thanks to high levels of oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates the development of attachment, people may not notice many of the shortcomings of their loved ones. But “this harmony” ends sooner or later, and a new stage in the development of human relations begins.
Stage 2: Disappointment
After a few months, or maybe a year, the hormones and chemical processes of our brain begin to change, and “the thinking department - the cerebral cortex - notices that our partner is not so ideal. We get angry, irritate each other, and sometimes we are even afraid. If you got married at the first stage, then at the second stage a reassessment of values begins.
For example, a wife begins to wonder, “What is he thinking about?” while her husband lies on the living room couch staring at a drawer instead of spending time with her. She feels rejected, especially since he stopped telling her how he felt. He, in turn, cannot understand why she is unhappy with him over all sorts of trifles. Those chemical processes that occurred in the brain at the early stages of falling in love have lost their activity, as if the ground was disappearing from under one’s feet. It's easy to say, "This is not the person I married" or "This is not the girl I married."
Such unpleasant things are quite normal, it is just a chemical decline in the functioning of the brain of both partners. This is also the next necessary step that will lead to the fact that two completely different systems of thought can come to an agreement.
stage 3: Struggle for leadership
Two people who are at the stage of frustration usually begin to fight for power. They will fight an invisible chemical decline, trying to make each other the way they were - or thought each other was - when they first fell in love. A loving couple tries to fight for their relationship in this way, so they face another difficulty. It lies in the fact that partners are fundamentally different from each other - after all, male and female brains work differently and even love differently.
This is a painful period in a relationship. But couples who are caught up in power struggles don't realize that their differences in thinking can be the key to a long-lasting marriage.
After the feeling of falling in love begins to recede, the man wants a freer relationship, and the woman wants to communicate more with friends. Although this tendency is based on learned behavior and gender roles, hormones such as testosterone and estrogen exacerbate these differences.
Nature does not allow us to turn back the hands of the chemical and biological clocks. Nature continues to move forward in its life cycle. A new stage of marital love will begin when the partners find in each other not only lovers, but also man and woman. This will require one or both of them to see in their partner all that has been hidden.
Stage 4: Awakening
Many couples during separation cannot understand one thing: they are going through another stage that passes unnoticed. During Falling in Love, Disappointment and Struggle for Leadership, a man and a woman become too close, blurring the boundaries of their individualities. A man may view his wife’s emotionality, her need for communication, her sensual desire for love, and even her attitude towards everyday life as a waste of time. The wife, in turn, views her husband's habits, hobbies, preoccupation with work and freedom as something dangerous or selfish. At stage 4, partners come to the understanding that they have become too close to each other, and now they need to be apart. This separation does not mean divorce, it means understanding each other. In this new stage, the brain suppresses those emotional reactions that can cause conflict and feelings of loss in a romantic relationship.
Ultimately, the man understands that the woman was right - family relationships are doomed if there is no spiritual unity in them. But the man is also right in his own way. A relationship may break down if the couple lacks independence.
If we are too far away from each other, that amazing love that was in the beginning fades away. However, when we become too close to each other without allowing our partner to be himself, the marriage fails. Understanding the power of attraction between a man and a woman is the key to success.
stage 5: Love for life
Balance in the relationship between a man and a woman is a harmonious state of love, which I call Close Distance. Upon completion of stage 3 of the Power Struggle, strategies of mature love begin to prevail, which cultivate both marital intimacy and marital distance in partners. Spouses live together, raise children, love each other, but not because they have become the same - but because they have learned to be happy while maintaining their individuality.
To achieve intimacy
Happily married couples create special traditions that bind them together, such as romantic evenings for two, family dinners, phone calls and emails when one of them is away. These traditions become the supporting pillars of marriage on which the relationship rests. Partners are not close every second - they know that there are special traditions that will maintain the power of love in the rhythm of a hectic and stressful life.
In 95 cases out of 100 of their interactions, they are kind and polite. There may be no one who deserves it other than someone's spouse, but when we stop at stage 3, we think of our partner as a constant target in stressful situations. The frontal lobes of the brain help cope with all difficulties. Then we understand that family happiness depends on kindness.
Security of remoteness
man woman marriage family
They appreciate each other's eccentricities and differences, especially as men and women. Perhaps he took the remote while they were watching TV. She doesn't make a fuss, she just smiles. Or maybe she wants to talk to him about her feelings, and he, knowing this, listens to her patiently.
They have a different circle of friends, mostly female company for her, and male company for him.
They encourage this friendship from each other. They have their own personal space. If a particular hobby or sport is important to one partner, the other encourages him in this. There is great value in knowing that your feelings for each other will change over time and that these changes are normal. The chemical processes occurring in the brain play a huge role in this, and you should not resist them. Instead, let biology guide you to understanding, and of course, to lasting love. After all, humans are creatures of nature, so let's trust in her wisdom.
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We talked about this with expert in the field of interpersonal relationships, practicing psychologist, Yulia Kuzmina.
Maya Milich, “AiF.ru”: Is there friendship between a man and a woman?
Yulia Kuzmina: Friendship between a man and a woman does not exist. Most often, a woman then suffers from such relationships. If a woman is free, then she is in search of her boyfriend, and is always in certain expectations. Starting to communicate with a man, she begins to get used to his presence. A man is designed in such a way that he immediately determines what he wants or does not want from a person. Of course, unless he has a hidden intention to have some kind of on-duty or “weekend” relationship. A man understands himself better, who he needs, and he is more likely to allow a female friend to be close to him. Most often, what a woman calls friendship is more like friendship without obligations for a man.
Even after an affair has already taken place, it is best to transform the relationship into a friendly one and understand that there is no friendship between a man and a woman. There are friendships. You need to understand that an element of friendship is still respect, some kind of interaction.
M.M., “AiF.ru”: So friends of opposite sexes always balance on the brink of falling in love on one side or the other?
Yu.K.: Certainly. You can't command nature. In theory, falling in love can be on both sides, and some things can be completely unconscious. Our consciousness is largely responsible for friendship and respect, and it lays down some things, like: “No, I decided to be alone,” or the girl says: “I’m currently looking.” At the same time, a memory of a specific person may still live in her soul, but her soul is already asking for a new object. And when a new harmless object appears who treats her with respect and understands her, then the woman begins to develop a certain inner feeling and desire for that same love.
In addition, friends cannot help but like each other's appearance. Friends are people with whom we unconsciously share interests, outlook on life, temperament or approach to life.
Learning to be friends
M.M., “AiF.ru”: How can a married man properly build his relationship with a female friend so that his wife does not get jealous? That is, to maintain only friendly relations and not allow a woman to become an “alternate airfield”?
Yu.K.: If you are married and you already have a female friend, then at least it is worth clearly understanding that you have already officially decided on your positions regarding each other.
But the fact is that men are somewhat gullible. They believe that if they once agreed with a woman to be friends, then they can tell her about their love and personal affairs, and consult. But, if you have a wife or just a lover, then the main advice to a man is to very carefully, prudently, and from time to time check with your female friend that between you there is friendship and only friendship. It is very important to maintain and maintain distance, so that later there is no “cold” war, so that one day you don’t have to tell a woman friend: “I don’t know what you came up with for yourself.” Because a woman may perceive your friendship as a promise of something more, and in the end it will be you who will become uncomfortable in this relationship, the entire burden of guilt and personal dissatisfaction will be on you.
Every girl, sooner or later, may have the idea that such a wonderful, wonderful man can be more than a friend to her. And the gender mechanism will turn on, flirting will begin. These are all steps in one direction - desire, passion and love.
Therefore, in friendship with a woman, it is important to keep your distance and periodically clarify the format of the relationship, because a woman lives and acts more unconsciously. Therefore, for her, the transition from friendship to love can happen unconsciously and without warning. And if this happens, then it will be you who she will complain about.
M.M., “AiF.ru”: What can friendship with a woman give a man?
Yu.K.: I’ll probably say a terrible thing now, but this is the same thing that communication with a psychologist gives: relaxation, understanding of something that interests a man in a gender issue, emotional support, “swaddling”, when, for example, a woman says: “ Yes, she didn't appreciate you. You're so cool".
It's certainly awash in support. Some of what I named can be called the word “vest,” but there are different phases of emotional support, when a man comes and reasons. What do friends usually say? “Don’t worry. Nonsense. She will appreciate you later.” A girl will say the same thing to her friend, but we support our friends.
Of course, friendship with a woman is an expansion of competence. A man, communicating with a female friend, begins to receive more information about the world of women in general. About how to be popular correctly, how to manipulate correctly. We ourselves tell important secrets about ourselves to our male friends. And they, reading between the lines, understand how they can influence us to achieve what they want faster and easier.
Man and woman are created for each other by a higher power. And they can be happy together for the reason that they were created this way - to give each other happiness. There are some that don't fit together. Which ones are suitable? In the state of humanity in which we are today, that is, our animal part is more significant, this determines attraction. If there is attraction between you, and first of all this concerns a man, secondly a woman, if there is attraction between you, then you can build a crazy happy relationship.
But they are being built, they will not happen on their own. Animal nature binds you with passion, unmistakable passion. Not out of friendship, not out of calculation, but out of love, that is, out of attraction. He is ready to do anything for her, but her legs give way as soon as he appears next to her. And now we feel so good together under the covers. But not for long, up to three years. And then the human component within us must create these relationships, that is, an emotional, sensory connection, deep, mutual, intellectual kinship, spiritual one-pointedness. General intelligence, that is, learning ability, should be there. Human level of communication.
And when you manage to create this human level of connection on the basis of three years, just as necessary as the animal one, but human, then when the animal passion begins to let go, the quality of your intimacy and your relationship changes not “worse or better” - it becomes different . Continues to make you desirable to each other, but on a different level. Not a projection of passion or smell, but a projection of emotional connections created on the basis of passion. It continues to keep you together, qualitatively changing sexual relationships, but no worse, and maybe even better. This is already different. Moreover, it can otherwise be much deeper than fundamental animal passion.
But the fact is that we are so satisfied with passion, it seems to us that everything is good and that it will be like this forever (this is such a false state of eternity - happiness is eternal), that it does not even occur to us that we need to work on human relationships, because animal passion for smells gradually ends, and then more human relationships come into force. This includes sexuality if they are built. And if they weren’t built, they woke up in the morning - two strangers. The attraction is gone - that's it! What are we doing here? Who is she? Who is he? What are we doing nearby?
In the past, people were brought together by a child to continue the relationship. Today the child does not unite. Marriage no longer has the value it once had. There is a search for new forms of relationships. The range of sexual acceptability is endless. I do what I want in a couple relationship - I go out, I go in, I go out, I leave, I leave. No one will judge. On the contrary, I am a free person, I do what I want - at the expense of others. Therefore, there will be no relationships if you don’t build them. And they are built on attraction. But while this is a process, keep this in mind.
Let's try to answer the question: can a woman, without pursuing absolutely any selfish goals, be friends with a man? To do this, she will have to be honest with herself. Is she flirting with her friend? Does he talk about his affairs with other men? Does he know about the men with whom she was previously intimate or who she is currently attracted to? Has this friend been romantically involved in the past? Affirmative answers put such friendship in great doubt. It is likely that either a woman is in love with a man or vice versa. Friendship is a cover here, and sooner or later it may be revealed.
The psychology of men is such that they consider every woman as a potential sexual partner. Perhaps, if he is friends, he simply hasn’t figured out how to move on to a new stage of the relationship. Or he is in love with his girlfriend, but, knowing that there will be no reciprocity, he finds, with the help of friendship, the only opportunity to communicate with her. And of course, in the depths of hope, he has hope that a woman will appreciate him, so caring and understanding. But maybe later...
So he's a friend. But if he gives a woman expensive gifts, it makes her think. Why, out of friendship, did he not give something modest and symbolic? Does he help a woman with everything and is ready to rush to her around the clock at her first call? It may well be that love is hidden in his soul behind his good intentions.
If a woman takes a friend along to go shopping, and he simply withstands this test stoically, this is also a reason to try to sort out the relationship. Only a man in love can endure this nightmare for more than half an hour.
Women love to discuss their boyfriends with friends. If a friend always takes the woman’s side, it is difficult to call his attitude friendly. A very likely version is that he is waiting for her - when her friend realizes that of all the representatives of the stronger sex she knows, he is the best.
Alcohol is an excellent indicator. If, after drinking wine, conversations continue on various abstract topics, then this is really a friend. But his kisses and hugs indicate that he has become bolder, relaxed, and friendship is out of the question.
In any case, according to psychologists, in friendship between representatives of opposite sexes there is absolutely always sympathy, without which friendship clearly cannot exist. The same psychologists also say that friendship between a woman and a man is still possible. And not only between relatives. But relationships of this kind have always been different and complex, and such friendships are more fragile and short-lived than friendships between representatives of the same sex.
As sociological studies have shown, women expect trust, understanding, and spiritual closeness from friendships with men. During sexual contact between friends of different sexes, women overwhelmingly consider themselves to be used and have an extremely negative attitude towards this. Men's opinion on this matter is exactly the opposite - in their opinion, sex is absolutely not an obstacle to true friendship, but, on the contrary, only strengthens relationships. Polar opinions on this issue often lead to misunderstanding and resentment between friends. Therefore, it is better to immediately discuss such things and try to treat each other with understanding.
A true friend is a great happiness in any case. And what friendship will be like in each specific case always depends on both the woman and the man.
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