Secrets of strengthening family ties and rules for maintaining a happy marriage. Rules of family life: psychology of relationships between a woman and a man in marriage Crises in family relationships
Often family relationships go through a “painful” time, and both spouses wonder: “Where did the love go? Will the marriage survive? There are several simple rules - “spools”, with the help of which family relationships will reach a completely new level. They will help you remember the feelings of the first romantic year of your life and retain them throughout your life.
These rules (secrets) originate in ancient wisdom:
1st "spool"
The main secret of love is to give without expecting anything in return. This applies to both spouses. Giving means serving, and serving means:
Respect your partner (not humiliate, but appreciate him and everything he does)
Strive to bring joy to each other in different ways
Express love through actions
Support your partner (especially when he makes mistakes)
Get ahead of each other in caring
Condescend to the weaknesses of your “half”.
In the case when each spouse “pulls the blanket over himself”, demanding that his needs be met with the help of the other, the marriage will be unhealthy.
2nd spool
You need to learn to think: “No one is obligated to do anything for me” (you are not obligated either). Being able to “hold” people’s refusal is a virtue. Give up the stereotype that everyone owes me, and then everyone will feel cozy and comfortable around you.
The secret is that if you ask your neighbor for something, within yourself immediately give him the right to do as he wants. Then it will be easier to bear if your partner suddenly refuses. It’s better not to wait for help, but to hope for it. This is necessary in order not to feel disappointed if expectations are not met. But if your loved one responds to a request, don’t take it for granted. Thank you and let them know how much you appreciate it!
3rd spool
Avoid resentment. Resentment is a time bomb for love. There are two ways to deal with resentment:
1) “Soberly” weigh whether to be offended. Does this make sense? It may be more useful to discuss this issue peacefully and constructively and consider a way out.
2) If you are offended, do not delay in forgiving. Without forgiveness there is no relationship. Would you like to be forgiven? So show me an example. Forgive without accusations and reproaches, without hiding inside. Be honest about why this behavior hurts you.
And don’t forget to ask for forgiveness yourself.
Try to avoid mutual criticism. She ruins the marriage.
Loving others more than yourself is an important secret to success.
A lot of people have problems with this rule. When kids are young, it's easy to start putting them first, especially if you're the one spending the most time with them. But with grown-up children there are no less worries, and besides, you continue to give them paramount importance simply out of habit.
But then - over time - the children leave their parents' home. So what remains for you? A partner who has not been the main thing for you for about twenty years, so when you are left alone with him, you suddenly realize how far you have grown apart from each other. And this is very unfortunate, since you, in all likelihood, still have to spend several decades together. Either this or get a divorce - as they say, horseradish is no sweeter than radish.
I'm not saying, however, that children shouldn't take up a significant amount of your time. And when they are small - even most of it. I know, I have six of them. And this rule does not mean that you should devote more time to your partner than to your children, since this is often simply impossible. But it is extremely important that your partner remains your top priority in life, even if your responsibilities and time for children are greater. This does not mean that you should love someone more and someone less, because there should be enough love for everyone, and this love can be completely different. But never forget that children will not stay with you forever (even for a long time), but your partner will be with you all your life.
You may not like this rule too much, but I honestly don't care. I know that the strongest relationships—the ones that last happily ever after the kids leave home—are those of couples who follow this rule.
In addition, it is also important for children that your partner comes first. Firstly, how can they calmly leave their parents' home if they know that your life will be ruined? This problem often arises among younger children in the family, who see that their parents have moved away from each other over the years, and they have become the most important thing in the life of at least one of them.
And secondly, of course, children want to go out into the world and find someone who will be more important to them than you. Just like your partner once became more important to you than your parents. But if this is not so, then it will be very difficult for the children. In order for children to calmly make their life choices, you must have someone besides them. And this someone is your partner.
Everyone should have their own money
I know a lot of people who would disagree with this rule. But I have seen many families in which there were constant arguments about money - and in many cases this led to divorce - and I have never seen this happen in families where each spouse controlled his own share of the money. I am only telling you what I myself witnessed.
There's really no point in pooling money. Well, okay, it is usually necessary to create a joint bank account into which you both invest money (each from its own part) for some general family things, for example, for children's clothes, utility bills or a loan. But you should agree from the outset how much each of you will contribute to this account: equal contributions may not be fair if one of you earns significantly more than the other or uses the phone more.
But these are technical details. If you both earn money, you both have to cover common expenses according to some order you set. If you feel like it, you can invest the money in some general pleasure, such as a vacation. But all the rest of the money you earn is yours. So, if your partner comes up with the idea of spending all his own savings on something that seems stupid to you, that’s his own business. This shouldn't concern you. The bills for the month are paid, and the rest of the money belongs to him alone. You can save your money or invest it in something you think is worthwhile, or you can spend it entirely on candy if you want. It's clear? And no quarrels.
In anticipation of your question, I will immediately say that such a system works even if you do not earn the same amount and even if only one of you works. The best option if your salary varies greatly is to invest in a common piggy bank in appropriate shares. If one earns twice as much as another, then he puts double the amount in the bank. Or you can pay family bills equally, but the one who earns more takes on entertainment or recreation. Details are being discussed.
If one of you takes care of the house and children and, therefore, does not receive a salary, then the partner should allocate a fair amount for expenses. Personally, I think it should be half of the money left over after paying monthly bills. And this is not a generous gift or favor; it is a fair payment for the contribution that the non-working partner makes to your union.
One of you earns money, and the other runs the household. Your financial contribution to family life is in some way equivalent to the contribution of another in the form of cooked food, a clean house and caring for children. If one of the spouses did not take on all household responsibilities, the other would not be able to make a career and earn money, so his income can be considered common, therefore, it must be divided between two. And then each of you can open your own account and manage it at your own discretion.
If you have something nice to say, say so
Here is a standard conversation between partners who have already lived together for some time:
"You don't tell me I look good anymore."
“But you know what’s good. It is obvious".
Of course, variations are possible, such a conversation does not necessarily have to concern appearance, but I draw attention to the typical variety. Another frequently encountered version: “You never (almost never) say that you love me,” and then the same answer.
You see, we all need approval. Anyone enjoys being told what they are good at. This is precisely why certificates are awarded at school, although the children already know who the best student is. This is why there are ceremonies like the Oscars and Person of the Year. That's why you tell your children that you love them. Yes, precisely because people always want recognition and approval, and one of the main ways to express this is to simply say it.
And why then should anything be different between partners? And if your partner loves you - and this, of course, is the case - then he needs your approval more than anyone else. Therefore, you should definitely show your partner your pleasure or approval if:
- he looks good;
- he acted particularly sweet, resourceful, or patient;
- he did something that arouses your respect or admiration;
- he has prepared something pleasant for you - for example, a particularly tasty dinner or a useful gift;
- he exhibits outstanding intellectual or creative abilities;
- he made you laugh or just pleasantly surprised you.
You should also say that you love him. Personally, I see no reason to do this less than once a day, or better yet, more often. And I don’t mean the routine “I love you” before leaving the house or before going to bed. This is also good, but when it becomes a habit, these words lose their meaning. So be sure to talk about your love in unexpected moments, and in such a way that your partner understands that you really mean what you say.
Thanks to such things, your partner will feel loved and needed, and will feel confident. And that's great for both of you. So don't think, “It's obvious, why say it?”, instead tell yourself, “It's obvious, so it's worth saying.”
This rule can equally well be extended to children, family and friends. But it’s still better to start with your partner, and then you can try to find something nice to say to everyone else who surrounds you.
Richard Templar
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Back in the middle of the 20th century, the American psychologist and publicist Carnegie Dale, in his book “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” described seven simple rules for a happy marriage.
Rule #1. Never, under any circumstances, should you find fault or nag your spouse.
As paradoxical as it sounds, it is the eternal reproaches and nagging that can destroy even the strongest marriage. But for some reason, most people mistakenly believe that their other half will definitely become better if they constantly reproach them. It won't! And moreover, due to constant scandals, a person can become worse than he really is.
Rule #2. Never try to change your chosen one.
It's useless. Each person has his own set of advantages and disadvantages. It is better to focus on the positive qualities of your loved one.
Rule #3. No criticism.
Not a single person, being of sound mind and sound memory, will tolerate criticism addressed to him. Criticism is the surest way to kill a good relationship.
Rule #4. Sincere gratitude is the best way to prolong a relationship.
Why are women so eager to look good and men so eager to achieve career heights? Everyone wants appreciation. But everyday life often discolors everything, and now what once caused a storm of delight is taken for granted. And routine is a terrible enemy of family happiness. Be grateful to each other, and do not ignore pleasant little things.
Rule #6. Be considerate with your life partner.
A kind word is also pleasant for a cat, and a careful and considerate attitude towards a life partner is an integral part of a happy marriage. Any man knows that an affectionate and reverent attitude towards his beloved makes a woman blossom. And women know very well that softness and tenderness make men turn a blind eye to some sins.
Rule #7. Focus on the sexual side.
So many books, articles and magazines have been written on this topic, but in most families this issue leaves much to be desired. Disharmony in sexual relationships is not the rarest cause of family breakdown. Unfortunately, most young people, despite enormous amounts of information, remain illiterate in bed matters.
You should not hush up about any problems or inconveniences. The best way is to tactfully discuss issues of concern with your significant other or contact a specialist in this field.
It is worth remembering that passion passes over time, giving way to stronger feelings or driving people in different directions. In any case, maintaining a long-lasting family relationship will depend on each person.
Marriage is one of the main stages in the life of every person. Creating a family, a full-fledged unit of society, is a necessary step.
Some people take marriage seriously, others not so much. But the registration rules and conditions for marriage in the Russian Federation are the same for everyone.
Conditions and procedure for marriage - how to submit an application to the registry office?
Legal responsibility to the spouses arises only after the marriage is registered with the civil registry office on the basis of an application from both citizens wishing to get married.
It is worth remembering that a wedding in a church is nothing more than just a religious ritual, and has nothing to do with the legal side.
Marriage procedure
- Marriage is concluded in the personal presence of citizens entering into marriage, on the basis of an application submitted by them, but not earlier than a month from the date of its submission to the civil registry office. If there are reasons that indisputably indicate the need to change the established period of one month after filing the application, the civil registry office has the authority to shorten it, or, conversely, extend it. But no more than one month.
- If there are circumstances - such as pregnancy or the birth of a child - the marriage can be concluded on the day the application is submitted.
- Marriage can only be concluded with the personal, voluntary consent of citizens of different sexes and when they reach marriageable age.
Circumstances preventing marriage
The civil registry office has the right to refuse marriage. The reasons may vary, and all of them may be contested in court. The main ones are given below.
Marriage between:
- Persons under marriageable age. The marriageable age, according to the family code, is considered to be a person reaching 18 years of age. In some cases, marriage is permitted upon reaching 16 years of age.
- Persons of whom one or both are married to a third person. In this case, the dissolution of the existing marriage is mandatory.
- Close relatives in a direct line (parents and their children, grandparents, grandchildren and great-grandchildren). Such marriages are strictly prohibited.
- Persons who have a common father or mother.
- To brothers and sisters.
- Persons of whom at least one is declared incompetent due to a mental disorder.
- Adoptive parents and adopted children. Such marriages also cannot be concluded.
Grounds for marriage by adults and minors
The Family Code of the Russian Federation provides for marriage for both adult citizens and citizens under eighteen years of age.
The minimum legal age for marriage is 16 years.
Grounds for marriage between persons over 18 years of age:
- Applications to the civil registry office.
Grounds for marriage between persons over 16 years of age:
- Permission from local authorities at the place of residence of persons wishing to get married. The list of circumstances under which local governments can allow persons over 16 years of age to marry may vary, depending on the laws adopted by different constituent entities of the Russian Federation. As a rule, this is pregnancy or the birth of a child. But other reasons are also possible.
- Absence of the factors preventing marriage described above.
- Mutual voluntary consent of citizens entering into marriage.
Is it possible to marry between relatives?
In all civilized countries, marriages between close relatives are illegal. This is connected not only with a moral, but also with a biological and genetic problem. Children born in such marriages are doomed to lifelong problems associated with genetics. But Article 14 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation speaks only about close relatives.
It sounds like this:
“It is prohibited for close relatives to marry (relatives in the direct ascending and descending line (parents and children, grandparents and grandchildren), full and half-blooded (having a common father or mother) brothers and sisters)."
At the same time, there are no legal obstacles to the marriage of distant relatives who do not have a single common parent. For example, between cousins or second cousins. This also applies to half-brothers and sisters.
Another of its clauses of the family code prohibits marriage between an adoptive parent and an adopted child, but does not prohibit marriage between relatives of the adoptive parent and the adopted child.
Peculiarities of marriage abroad by Russian citizens
In recent years, weddings abroad have become very fashionable. Future spouses plan their ceremonial marriage against the backdrop of medieval buildings or beautiful mountain landscapes of different countries.
But can such a marriage be recognized on the territory of the Russian Federation?
Definitely yes, subject to certain rules. Let's try to understand them in more detail below.
- The first and most important thing to remember when entering into a marriage outside of Russia is that it can only be recognized if the registration was carried out in accordance with the laws of the country in which the ceremony is taking place. And also the absence of circumstances preventing marriage on the territory of the Russian Federation (Article 158 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation).
- In most countries, the circumstances preventing marriage are similar. But before planning the ceremony, it would be useful to learn in detail all the nuances of the legislation of the country in whose territory the marriage is planned. Otherwise, you may encounter problems when legalizing a document in Russia.
- You should also carefully approach not only the choice of country, but also the place in which the marriage will take place. It is best to choose diplomatic organizations of the Russian Federation on the territory of the state chosen for the ceremony. A marriage concluded at the Russian embassy or consulate is considered the same if it was concluded at the civil registry office of the Russian Federation. Such a document does not require additional legalization.
- If marriage with the subsequent issuance of a document was carried out by the authorized body of the state in whose territory the ceremony is taking place, then it should be remembered that such a document requires subsequent legalization. It is carried out by the country that produced and issued the document. Legalization is not required only if there are additional agreements between the Russian Federation and the state in whose territory the marriage took place on the abolition of such legalization.
Types of legalization of marriage concluded outside the Russian Federation
There are two main ways of legalization:
- Apostille stamp - applies if the country in whose territory the document was produced and issued is a party to the Convention on the Legalization of Foreign Documents. This convention was concluded between a number of countries in The Hague, October 5, 1961.
- Consular legalization – is necessary if the country in whose territory the document was produced and issued is not a party to the Hague Convention. Such legalization is longer and requires the mandatory participation of the country’s Ministry of Justice, the document manufacturer and the Ministry of Foreign Affairs of the Russian Federation. Moreover, such a document will be valid only in those countries in which it was recognized as valid.
It is also important to know that the Russian Federation has concluded agreements on the abolition of legalization with a number of countries. Such countries include the Czech Republic, Bulgaria, Romania, Latvia, Lithuania and others. All that is necessary for Russian citizens to legally use such a marriage document is to provide its certified translation from a foreign language.
Application for marriage online
With the development of information technologies and their increasingly active implementation in our lives, the civil registry office has introduced and actively operates an online application form. This significantly saves applicants’ time, saving them from standing in endless queues. But there is still something you should know about this service.
According to the Family Code of the Russian Federation, marriage is allowed only in the personal presence of the applicants and their mutual consent to marriage. The ceremony is carried out on the basis of a personally submitted application by the future spouses.
The online application for marriage registration only reserves an appointment time for applicants at the civil registry office. This significantly saves time for those wishing to get married.
When submitting such an application, the return letter will indicate the exact time and place at which the authorized civil registry office employee will wait for the applicants. It is during a personal meeting that the exact date and time of the solemn wedding ceremony of citizens is determined.
Documents required to apply for marriage
When the decision to get married has already been made and the first steps to go to the civil registry office have been taken, it is worth taking care of preparing the documents necessary for the legal registration of the marriage.
So, what should citizens have with them when applying for marriage:
- Applicants' passports, or other identification documents required by law.
- Certificate of temporary registration (for non-resident citizens).
- Certificate of divorce (if there was one).
- Marriage license (if one of the applicants is under 18 years of age at the time of application).
- Receipts for payment of state duty and commission fee from the Civil Registry Office.
- Invitation from the registry office (if the meeting was planned and agreed upon or the application was submitted online).
It should be remembered that the above list of documents is valid only for citizens of the Russian Federation. For marriage on the territory of Russia, where the applicant is at least one citizen of a foreign state, the list of documents may differ.
What documents are required should be clarified with the civil registry office chosen by the applicants for marriage registration.
Cost and payment of state duty
For some people, the realization of happiness comes like an accidental discovery. Usually a person is happy when he is in love. But in matters of the heart, nothing happens for nothing. For example, in order to experience family happiness, you have to work at it. Many people want to know the secrets of a happy marriage. At the same time, many believe that happiness in the family is either given or not given. Both are partly right. But in most cases, the saying “Our happiness is in our hands” is completely justified.
The Basics of Strong Family Bonds
A happy marriage does not appear out of nowhere. Even in cases where people fall in love at first sight, they will have to show maximum tolerance in the family in order to make the happiness of the lovers into family happiness. When the Mendelssohn march plays, the bride and groom say “we agree,” and the couple unites in a magical kiss, people think that they are already happy. But sad statistics show that approximately 43% of marriages end in divorce. It is impossible to create a prosperous family with passionate desires, high feelings and tender words alone.
to contentsIn order not to experience the bitterness of the collapse of fairy-tale dreams, in order to achieve the bright goal of a successful marriage, you need to work hard and painstakingly improve relationships in the family.
Communicate more sincerely with each other. Openness in relationships is very important, especially during a period when family affairs are not going well. After all, there are many things that can directly or indirectly affect family relationships - friends, hobbies, work, education, religion, relatives. If you cannot spend time together, or disagreements arise over finances, it is very important to talk directly about the reason for your debate and possible ways to eliminate this reason.
- Another secret to a happy marriage is creating your own family rituals and traditions. Almost all couples who call their marriage happy talk about family rituals. It doesn’t matter what it is: a candle on the table, lit at a festive family dinner, going to a cafe once a month, traveling with the whole family, or dates in places that are significant to you in your city. Or maybe a special touch that means “I love you.” Someday in the future, these rituals will become the best part of your and your children's memories.
- Know how to listen. After all, oddly enough, people are more polite with strangers than with their loved ones. Is your spouse trying to talk to you? Don't interrupt. Listen politely and tactfully, no matter how busy you are. Listen as politely as you would your boss. After all, decency and patience are integral parts of a happy marriage.
- Spending time alone with your loved one will help you renew the feelings that made you fall in love with each other. It doesn't matter where exactly you spend your time - in a luxurious restaurant or in a cinema with inexpensive places for kissing. Time dedicated to each other is the most important component of a happy marriage. Remember this!
Solve your money problem! It's amazing how many marriages break up because of money. Or because of their absence - it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that many couples simply do not discuss serious money issues, living for today and not thinking about tomorrow. Discuss each of you's preferences regarding money. Agree on how you will pay large sums, who will manage the family budget and keep family accounting. What? Do you think that accounting is necessary only for reporting to your superiors? Nothing like this. All people who have achieved a lot in life analyze their income and expenses. Remember that the issue of money can cause many major and minor disagreements between husband and wife. And I wouldn’t want your happy marriage to fail because of money.
- Respect each other. There are a few simple rules for those who want to make their marriage happy. First of all, never go to bed in a bad mood. Say “thank you” and “please.” Kiss daily and say “I love you.” Congratulate each other as often as possible (no matter what, even Happy Energy Engineer's Day - you are energetic, or Happy Builder's Day - you are both building a happy family).
- Don't break your agreement. And the agreement of all spouses who are in a happy marriage is: “Family is above all.” Do not sacrifice the interests of your family for the sake of your career, entertainment, or hobbies.
- Maintain a relationship with your spouse's family. You both owe a lot to your parents. Not according to the law of the country (at the age of 18 a person is legally independent and has the right to completely separate from the family), but according to the law of conscience. “Honor your father and your mother,” says the Bible. But in the same book it is written that when a person starts a family, his devotion belongs first of all to his spouse: “A man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.” Maintaining a relationship with your parents does not mean running to them for advice in a relatively simple everyday situation, much less complaining about your spouse. The correct attitude towards relatives is to visit them from time to time, choosing activities that are interesting to everyone. And spend as much time with your husband’s parents as with your wife’s relatives. It is imperative for a married couple who wants to be happy to take into account the feelings and needs of their parents. But at the same time, the family must maintain independence.
- When relatives visit you, try to be polite to them. Make your parents' visit to you enjoyable and make them feel at home. Even if you have already grown up, for your parents you still remain children. And adult children need to remember that their parents will not always be with them. Therefore, you should enjoy their company while you can.
The area of personal differences should be minimized. Cliff Albirton, a researcher of family relationships, understands the area of personal differences as challenging behavior of spouses and differences in personal habits, differences in attitudes and temperament. Violation of norms and rules accepted in society is defiant behavior. It can irritate your spouse so much that you have to forget about a happy marriage. Personal habits (banal throwing socks around the apartment or a table that has not been wiped down after dinner) can also become a strong irritant. Psychologists say that 28% of marriages break up precisely because of personal disagreements. One spouse is pedantic, the other is sloppy. One loves hard rock, the other – classical music. What to do in this case? This is why there is the so-called “candy-bouquet period”. It is necessary for people to get to know each other better and make a conscious decision to marry.
- Do not try to change anything in your spouse; the only person in the marriage whom you can improve endlessly is yourself. Lifestyle is understood as the totality of all a person’s habits. Where does he go? How do you feel about smoking and alcohol? Doesn't he use drugs? What are your hobbies? The more you have in common, the easier you will adapt to each other, the more likely it is that your marriage will be happy. The value system of each of you is also very important. If he values the same qualities in people as you do, your marriage has every chance of being happy.
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