What to do if a man loves his ex-wife. How to understand that a man loves his ex? Children from ex-wife
I’ve been dating a man for almost a year, we’ve been living together for five months. He is thinking about children, it seems that things are getting closer to the wedding, and in general our relationship is ideal. But one “but” poisons my life.
I feel like he still loves his ex-wife. They have been divorced for five years (divorced because of his infidelity) and I am sure that there is nothing and cannot be between them - that woman remarried a long time ago and gave birth to a son in her new marriage. They don't even communicate. But my beloved sometimes remembers it casually, for example, when he finds some old thing that reminds him of his life with his ex. He speaks of her with warmth, although he does not really like to stir up his past.
Recently we were just chatting and he said that he doesn’t understand those who step on the same rake twice, that is, they renew a relationship that has already been broken. “What if the woman left you and then wanted to come back?” - I asked. To which he casually said that he would only resume relations with his ex-wife, but she was already married.
What a disaster! It hurt me so much to hear this. I try to console myself with the fact that he meant that he would have returned to his ex if he had not met me, but something doesn’t really help.
Since then I have been in great pain. I constantly think about his ex-wife. I understand that everyone has their own past and he cannot erase seven years of marriage from his life even if he wants to. I sincerely respect his ex-wife and I’m not going to try to somehow surpass her, but he’s with me now, he says that he loves and wants to live together all his life! I just can’t wrap my head around it...
It's so disgusting at heart! I would like to ask him directly about his attitude towards his ex-wife, but it’s very scary. I'm afraid to remind him of how much he loved that woman. What if, compared to that love, his feeling for me cannot even be called love? I'm afraid because I know that he will honestly tell me if this is so. And then it’s unlikely that everything will be the same for us. But, on the other hand, I understand that nothing terrible happened.
Perhaps it is this vile desire to clarify that I am tormented by. I really want to be sure that he loves me. I want to be the only woman he thinks about, and to know for sure that he does not dream of seeing another next to him. But you will probably have to come to terms with the fact that you will always have to feel like you’re only second.
Thanks to everyone who read. Do you think it’s worth talking to your loved one about his ex-wife and asking him to explain the phrase he used then that upset me so much? I understand that this is stupid, but I just want to know how the man I love really feels about me...
Please help me understand the current situation. I have been seriously dating a man for 4 months. He is good, worthy person. He treats me very well and sincerely. I see and feel it. He always says that he feels very good and calm with me. I really like him too. I'm very used to him and wouldn't want to lose him. But there is one problem in our relationship. 5 years ago he divorced his wife, whom he loved very much. She left for another man. During these 5 years he had no women. He says that she hurt him very much, and he will never be able to forgive her, but will always love her. It offends me that he periodically tells me about her. I think it's just disrespectful to me. What do you think, if after so many years he has not stopped loving her, will he be able to forget her completely with me? And how long should it take? Should I wait or break up? How to proceed?
Masha, Tver, 35 years old / 12/30/11
Our experts' opinions
Alyona
Masha, you have only been dating for four months, and you are already looking into such distant distances. It’s like starting to imagine what your grandchildren will look like after your first kiss. You don’t know this man at all yet. Just four months, and you’ve already made it clear to him that you’re ready to consider him as a potential husband. In my opinion, your new acquaintance simply immediately outlined the boundaries of your relationship. That is, he will “love” his ex-wife. And he will have a “relationship” with you. It is very comfortable. I can’t believe that in five years a healthy man in the prime of his life hasn’t had a single woman. Most likely, there was no long-term relationship - I’m ready to believe this easily. For if a man almost immediately tells a woman that he loves and will always love another, then 99% of women will not waste time on a relationship that is devoid of prospects, in the hope that they will be able to outshine their rival. So, you were thinking about the same thing, right? And the man is clearly searching. He needs a mistress, not a wife. Therefore, he immediately tests you to determine the depth of your claims. And he immediately outlines the scope of your claims against him. After all, now, if one day you want more, he will throw up his hands and say: “I warned you...” It’s convenient, and it seems that no one is to blame, “you can’t order your heart.” If your boyfriend was 20-22 years old, you could assume that he is telling this story to impress you: how noble he is and what feelings he is capable of towards a woman. But alas, men over 30 are quite pragmatic. So, most likely, this “Santa Barbara” is being told to you only with the goal of establishing a love relationship with you without promises or obligations. And, by the way, about his wife and divorce - have you seen his passport yourself? Does he live in the same city as you? Have you been to his house? Have you seen pictures of his wife? Do you know exactly where she is now? I think that before you make any sudden moves (and even more so, before you start making plans for grandchildren with this man), take some time to get to know your boyfriend properly. Moreover, it’s better not from him, because he is an interested person. It’s good to throw yourself into the pool headlong student years, when everything is clear about all classmates. But your man has a past, and it’s not a fact that you were told about him completely honestly. How many letters have already been sent here about how women only found out after six months or a year that their lovers were married and all this time they lied to them about their bachelor/divorced status... Well, in general, you know, when a man so willingly and often tells a woman, with whom he wants to have an intimate relationship, about the wife who left him, whom he will love forever, this raises serious suspicions...
Sergey
Masha, I understand that you liked the uncle. I am well aware that at your age you want to have a permanent partner by your side. But you've only been dating for 4 months. And you are dating, even though you write the terrible word “seriously.” As I understand it, for you this means that you not only go to the theater, but also have sex occasionally. And on this basis you decided to believe everything he says, even if it is complete nonsense? Are you sure you are 35 years old? Well, try to think about the situation from the point of view of an adult. There is a very good, worthy, extremely positive man, whose wife suddenly, completely without reason, left him. Does this happen? Well, with a big stretch I agree that it happens. It’s just that the concepts of worthy and good are different for everyone. But he wasn’t left alone in the desert. And he is not 16 years old to suffer from romantic delusions. He goes to work (I hope). He has friends and girlfriends. That is, a person lives, communicates, celebrates holidays, drinks sometimes, and relaxes. How many women, no worse than you, do you think, in five years should have noticed his “dignity” and “goodness”? Or do you seriously think that they were all stupid and ugly, and you were the only “princess” who suddenly appeared and instantly seduced the almost black monk from the path of abstinence? In my opinion, unlikely. And there are only two options here. First: your friend lies like he’s breathing, just to impress you, and tells sob stories at the level of a first-year student, so that you give him, but at the same time, to be able to quickly escape if something happens, hiding behind a relatively decent excuse. Option two: he really had no contact with other women for five years. Then the question arises: why? Did he live in a monastery? Have you been treated for impotence? Have you decided to try men? Even if not, are you sure that you need to get involved with a man who has not been needed by anyone for five years? Well, it doesn’t happen that an ordinary, normal man lives for so long without sex at all. In the cinema - yes. In real life, no. That is, either he is lying or he is crazy. In my opinion, you are simply being scammed. Taking advantage of your gullibility, the man told a very romantic story, gained your trust and has you as needed. But at the same time he left himself a loophole in the form of supposedly enduring love for his ex-wife. After all, now you cannot demand anything from him. In my opinion, this is despicable. By the way, I highly recommend looking at his passport sometime. It is quite possible that there is a stamp about marriage and not a word about divorce. If so, then I can quote almost verbatim in advance how he this fact will explain. In general, I personally don’t trust your friend one bit and I would communicate with such a person only on my own terms and exclusively “for my health.” No more.
Is the husband or just going to do it... Who is to blame for this? What can and – most importantly – should you do? Koshechka.ru will tell you about this in a series of articles dedicated to the past and present. Let's look at this triangle from different angles.
There are two issues at stake in this article:
- when he's just thinking about coming back,
- when he has already left - and how to deal with it.
Why does he want to return to his ex-wife?
Let's get straight - apparently, you haven't come across the best representative of the strong half of humanity if he openly tells you that he is thinking about returning to his previous family.
Firstly, this means that the person himself does not know what he wants.
Secondly, he does not respect himself, since there is no other way to explain why he first did not recognize his first choice, and now his second.
Thirdly, the person is fickle, behind him you will not feel like behind a stone wall.
The reasons for his desire to return can be very different. For example, if he has children from a previous marriage, or mutual friends constantly push them against each other, which is why it is impossible to “break this umbilical cord.”
Another seemingly compelling reason for many women is this: “My husband loves his ex-wife.” Of course, those who are on your side can throw mud at him and say that he is a traitor, that he does not know the feeling of love at all. But this feeling is so individual, it cannot be “touched” and measured. And sometimes to understand that you love, you need to be at a distance. Sometimes compare, no matter how unpleasant it may sound. However, sometimes you, as a new wife, can push him to this conclusion yourself. There will be another article in which we will look in more detail at these two “parallels”: the new one and - I don’t want to say old - the old one.
The man returned to his ex-wife
So, he thought about it or, without even saying a word to you, he simply went to her, the same one. Even if you just met with him and it didn’t come to marriage, you must admit, it’s not very pleasant. That is, you turned out to be worse than the other one.
Stop! Look at it differently. You are not suitable for this particular man, he is not the one you need. It’s clear that self-esteem is hurt. But take everything easier. Don’t consider yourself the center of the Universe - and you will become the center of attraction for the only one you have yet to meet.
Another situation is when the husband returned to his ex-wife. Already officially yours. With whom you marched to the Mendelssohn march. Whom your parents call "son". This may be an exaggeration, but the situation is extremely unpleasant. Especially if you wanted to get married once and for all.
There is no need to say here that we should have thought earlier. Still, not all divorced men return to their exes. And not everyone who is married for the first time is such a bad person. Sometimes you can't guess.
Has the husband returned to his ex-wife? Think about it - do you need a person to whom your marriage is no longer important?
Let's say he left, but you haven't divorced him yet. Or he doesn’t even demand a divorce, but simply went there to “live.” Give him an ultimatum - divorce or return. Of course, if you need the latter after betrayal. Yes, it’s a big word, but that’s essentially what it is.
That's when your loved one left for his ex-wife... The one you loved with all your heart. Without which it’s hard to breathe... Yes, it’s difficult mentally, yes, everything falls out of hand. But crying and begging for his return is the very last thing you should do. Not even that: something that absolutely cannot be done. So you will fall very low in his eyes, because how can you be with someone who does not respect herself.
Very important carry out “work on mistakes” and understand the reasons. Perhaps you “smothered” him with your love. “Sawed it off” - it’s all from her, from great love. Remember: a man, even with a stamp in his passport, still considers himself free. And you need to cunningly give him the appearance of this freedom. Perhaps she was the one who gave him such freedom. And this was also her mistake: he left her in the end. But he came back... Draw conclusions, in general.
Of course, you shouldn’t engage in such self-criticism right away. Need to definitely love yourself. If you think you love, then love even more. Don’t spare money on your hobbies and self-care. Become irresistible and you will meet an even better man. And just to prevent similar mistakes, you need to sensibly assess the reasons why your loved one returned to his ex-wife.
By the way, this situation also happens. You already have nothing to do with it. Well, maybe just the banal: “I didn’t see it.” You have come across, let’s call him so, a “pendulum man.” Who left one wife, found another, returned to his ex, then again. This one doesn’t even deserve a separate article—a paragraph is enough for him. You just need to feel sorry for him and not accept him, no matter what. Even if there are common children... What kind of education can he give? Is it difficult financially? Then it's up to you. If you live with him only for money, alas, you won’t have to expect much happiness from life.
In the next article, read what tricks women can resort to so that only he returns. We will also discuss how difficult it can be to live with a person without reciprocity, for example, when man loves ex-wife.
Eva Raduga - especially for Koshechka.ru - a site for those in love... with themselves!
Discussion: 5 comments
Hello. I want to tell my story. My husband got a job new job, to the office. And there he fell in love with his employee. Not only is he and her together at work, but there are also corporate parties, where only employees, then outings and again only employees. A classmate of mine works in the same office, and she helped my husband get a job with them. She said that my husband began to cheat on me so that I would take action. When my husband is at home, he constantly calls somewhere. I say: “Where are you calling all the time?”, he answers that it’s for work or for his friend. And a friend met us in the city and told his husband that you should call at least sometimes, don’t disappear. I realized that I needed to urgently take action, so I turned to a magician and read about her on the Internet. She helped me quickly, the relationship between my husband and my lover ended in a couple of weeks. Moreover, my husband confessed his love to me and after the magician’s work he grooms and cherishes me, blowing away specks of dust. So women, if your husband walks to the left, do not waste time, but turn to a magician for help. This is her email - [email protected]
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Everyone is more or less interested in what our man’s previous relationships looked like.
What were the partners for whom he had the strongest feelings? Most often, within a few weeks of meeting each other, we begin the topic of exes, which for most men is not pleasant. They don’t like to talk about their past love, claiming that this is already history, but we certainly want to find out whether the husband loves his ex-wife. The problem begins when previous feelings have not cooled down, and the predecessor has left such a strong mark on his heart that it is very difficult to replace it. Does it make sense to build a relationship with someone who has not completely gotten rid of the shackles of the past? How can you tell if your husband or fiancé loves his ex-wife or girlfriend? Have you ever felt like there were three people in your relationship instead of two? We're talking, of course, about ex-girlfriend your partner. If a guy thinks about her quite often or is very interested in what she is doing now, it is possible that he still has feelings for his ex.
Signs that a husband loves his ex-wife.
How to understand that a loved one misses his former passion. Psychotherapist in the field of love and marital relationships, psychologist and author of many books, Tina Tessina advises to definitely talk about this with your partner, ask about his role in this regard. Here are the signs you should pay attention to:
If you started dating shortly after his previous relationship ended, then there's a good chance that your guy is still thinking about his old partner. This does not mean that he wants to return to her - he simply did not have time to get out of that relationship before entering a new one. Everyone needs time to cool down. The process of restoration between the end of one relationship and the beginning of the next is a condition for creating healthy relationships with a new partner.
— He talks about her quite often. Just a word or a superlative is not so important. The main thing is that he constantly remembers her, or rather, does not forget. Or, on the contrary, she doesn’t want to talk about her with you at all, gets angry and rudely puts you in your place, so that, God forbid, you don’t sully her holy name with your words. Therefore, you should think about whether your chosen one can start new life or he will forever remain in the past where his previous relationships exist. He can complain about his ex, scold her, but he is unable to forget about her and is afraid to admit it even to himself.
— He fell in love with you while he was still involved with another woman. If there is guilt in the end of your boyfriend’s previous relationship, you need to understand and be frank with yourself that he will not get rid of remorse so easily, and will return his thoughts to that woman. At least for a while. Unfortunately, it is impossible to predict the further development of such relations. If in a new partnership a man has real feelings, and the previous ones were just regret and shame, then it is quite possible that this union will be happy.
— He cannot break contact with her. There are many reasons why a person might want to stay in contact with an ex, and there's actually nothing wrong with them. What is special is the fact that they have a common child, which united them until the end of their lives. For example, if they were together for a very long time, but their feeling cooled down, and they simply remained friends and still communicate, this is a good sign for you. After all, someone who doesn't burn bridges and doesn't have enemies is a pretty good and reliable person. However, if there is no good reason that forces you to stay in touch with your ex-wife, then this is at least alarming. If your boyfriend can't get rid of the memories, he constantly visits his ex's profile on in social networks, looking at old photos of them together, it's obvious you have a problem. In this case, you should slow down the pace of the relationship and look around. Maybe there is another person who is not bound by memories, who will focus on you without having one foot stuck in the past.
— He often compares you with her: “But Marina prepared this dish differently,” “Marina would never have done that.” It's painful and unpleasant. What to do? There is nothing to talk about here. Your husband loves his ex-wife, most likely he is waiting for her to call him. He just spends time with you so he doesn't have to be alone. It's up to you to decide whether to continue to live together, but be jealous and unhappy.
There is one more nuance of relationships that has little to do with the signs of your partner’s love for his ex-wife or girlfriend. Because he has several exes. There is a type of man who has the mentality of a traitor. He cheated on previous women, and he will cheat on you too. At the same time, he does not feel any remorse. This is his way of life. He had women before you, and there will be women after you. Leave him, he doesn't deserve you.
How to solve the existing problem.
First of all, you need to make sure that your husband’s love for his ex-wife is really a fact and not your speculation. Therefore, we need to talk about what hurts. Your partner may not realize that this situation is hurting you! Men are not masters in understanding emotions. But don’t dictate to him what to do or how to behave. First of all, you need to talk about yourself: how you imagine this problem and your relationship. You have the right to show your emotions and offer some solutions. If you love your chosen one and want to preserve your union, be wise. Sometimes the first ex-wife can be unforgiving and guilty of deliberately obstructive behavior. She is trying to worsen your relationship with her ex-husband. And it’s not necessarily her goal to get him back. She operates on the principle “don’t let anyone get you!” When clarifying the relationship with your partner, this fact must also be taken into account.
When your ex-wife disrupts your plans for the first time by calling your partner, for example, right before going out to see friends or to the cinema, answer in accordance with his expectations: “yes, dear, of course, go.” In the second case, ask directly whether it is so important? After all, your man is not a firefighter or an ambulance. If that doesn't stop him, let him go. After the third time, just stop rewarding: keep a cool distance. He will notice this and will find out what is happening. Explain that you want to protect your family and yourself.
If these tips help you, then the psychologists did not work on the task in vain. But there is no panacea for all ills. There are different situations, different characters in people, different dependence of partners on each other. In this case, it is better to contact a psychologist with your specific problem. Be happy.
Entering into a new relationship with a man is always full of uncertainty, especially if he still loves his ex-wife. This situation can happen to anyone, in any relationship, no matter how long the relationship lasts. A person is designed in such a way that it can be difficult for him to heal from a past love that has had such a deep impact on his life. Sometimes, if a husband loves his ex-wife, this has a destructive effect on the current relationship. Moreover, a woman who is next to a man cannot understand the reason for their constant conflicts, because he never admits his feelings for another, even an ex.
How can you tell if a man still has feelings for his ex-wife?
The following 10 signs indicate that your husband still loves his ex-wife:
- He still communicates with her. And it’s not that they have children together. This is not just communication, but friendly communication. These can be telephone conversations and messages. If your husband refuses to limit his communication with his ex-wife because they are supposedly “just friends,” then it may be time for you to wake up and think about the fact that a person who truly loves you would not make you uncomfortable or hurt you.
- He remembers their moments life together. One of the most worrying signs is hearing your husband reminisce about sweet moments or events he had in his past with his ex-wife. If he ever starts a conversation with "I remember the moment," then it should make you feel uncomfortable. There is no excuse why memories of his ex should haunt your husband. This period in his life has long passed and should be replaced by creating new memorable moments with you. Maybe he just wants his life back with his ex-wife.
- He keeps gifts from his ex. If your husband has an old T-shirt lying around in his wardrobe, a gift from his ex-lover, and he stubbornly refuses to throw it away, this is a cause for alarm. Most likely, it's a reminder that she still means a lot to him. Anything that triggers an emotional response in him should be taken as a major warning sign.
- He follows his ex-wife's life on social networks. If your husband often sits on social networks, subscribes to his ex-wife’s updates, looks at her photos, likes or leaves comments, this indicates that interest in this woman has not been lost.
- He constantly throws shade at his ex-wife. If there is no communication between them, then a warning sign should be that the husband speaks badly about her. With this behavior, he seems to be taking revenge on this woman for the impossibility of being together.
- He doesn't want anyone else to date her. Perhaps his ex recently started dating another man, and since then your husband has been in the worst mood. He is undoubtedly jealous, and jealousy is the number one sign of having feelings. He openly criticizes her new boyfriend. If he loved you and was committed to a real relationship, then he would be careless about his ex-wife's new lover.
- He compares you to her. The worst thing a man could do was compare his current wife to his ex-wife. This is the most obvious sign that a man is still in love with her. Telling her that she was more attractive and slimmer than you, that she cooked better and managed the household better, her husband openly admires her. He wants you to have similar traits. If he makes you feel like you're constantly competing with his ex-wife, then why put up with it? This will be an eternal battle for primacy in the eyes of a man, a struggle in which you are unlikely to win.
- He often mentions her in conversations. These can be not only memories of personal life, but also simple references to the fact that they went somewhere, did something, saw someone. At first glance, there is nothing offensive about this, but when the name of your ex-wife is heard frequently in your home, this should arouse suspicion.
- He says her name during sex. There is probably nothing more offensive than hearing the name of someone else’s woman from the lips of a loved one during a hot and passionate embrace. This is the most obvious sign that a man still loves her, even if he is trying to forget her. If you have a sense of self
- He's cheating on you with his ex-wife. It also happens that ex-wives turn into mistresses. In this case, the danger lies in the fact that the woman knows your husband very well, knows his habits and weaknesses. And she can use this against you, his current legal wife.
What to do if a husband loves his ex-wife
There should be no reason for a husband to talk about his ex-woman often. Isolated cases don’t count, because she was part of his life. The man you love should never make you feel like he would rather be with her than with you. It should develop your present relationship and not get stuck in the past. If a man is free from his past, his priorities will be real family and family happiness. You need to understand that for a number of reasons your husband may communicate with his ex-wife, for example, about teaching and raising children. This is natural as long as the boundaries of what is permitted are not violated.
Women must remember that what they endure is up to them. Never allow anyone to have that kind of power over you: neither your husband nor his ex-wife. If you notice even a couple of the above signs, your dignity is at risk. Don't wait until you are publicly humiliated by two people who, believe me, don't think about you at all. And in yours real family not love.
Love should never make you feel inferior. There is no need to waste time on such relationships, because there is an opportunity to find a worthy person.
To prevent situations like this from happening, follow this advice: never date a person who ended the relationship no more than three months ago. Typically, you may simply be used as a consolation and end up encountering the scenarios mentioned above. Try to be absolutely sure that the problems that you both face will always be associated only with you and with him. There can always be difficulties in a relationship, but there should not be a third person involved, especially an ex-wife.